wiffle waffle

I go back and forth on being excited to move somewhere new next year. Today, I am pretty excited about it, mostly because I've just gotten back in touch with an old friend who lives in DC.

But a week ago, I was near miserable thinking about it. All I could imagine was the difficulty of moving, the greater debt we'll take on, the being far, far away from my family. My stomach was churning.

So I'm back and forth. And I guess that's to be expected—this is a pretty major change we're planning to make. I've always lived close to my family except for my four years of undergrad. Even then, I was home at least once a semester plus Christmas and the summer. We're all pretty close. Oddly, I've begun working on my grandmother's Christmas newsletter (it features pictures of all their children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren with little blurbs...it's very visually friendly) and you'd think that would make me more nostalgic and upset about moving far away. But instead, today, I am excited about the future. Maybe I know in my heart how supportive my family will be.

Totally unrelated: I really like the Family Guy. Seriously funny show. Adult Swim rocks. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Part of all this reflection is that Mr. Angst is diving into the real work of his applications and the "eventuallies" are becoming the "nows." We've been coasting along on the assumption that both him and me will get into schools in all the cities we're looking at and suddenly I think we're both very aware that the plan may not work out that way. And I don't really know what we'll do if the plan doesn't work out as we hoped. So, I'm excited about moving and change today perhaps because I'm really avoiding the possibilities.

social commentary

Thanks to Shelley for this lovely article.

At choir rehearsal not long ago, I had a conversation with a seminarian who was explaining to me why he was voting for Bush. His reasons? He admired the President's faith, yes, but more important to him was Bush's stance on abortion and the war. I replied that I could not vote for Bush because of his stance on the death penalty, his blindness to the complete inadequacy of No Child Left Behind, and his odd fiscal irresponsibility. It was all very civil, and while neither of us could agree with the other, we spoke with respect and openness.

Why can't more political conversations go that way?

We are not—and I am not—black and white, red and blue. There are too many things going on in our country for me to take a one-sided view of all of them. Like Heidi, I sometimes consider myself a bleeding heart liberal. Also like Heidi, though, I am willing to make concessions on some issues for the sake of others. It is too bad that our elected officials (at least publicly and in the media) do not present the same face of compromise.

apps

Two schools that I've submitted apps to have not in any way acknowledged their receipt. This makes me nervous, although just a bit. When will they ask for reports? When will they tell me they've received my stuff? When when when?

When I applied to college, yea so many years ago, one of my applications was, apparently, never considered. It was very odd. I sent everything in along with my check, and I never heard anything else from that school. I wasn't particularly interested in that school, so I didn't fret about it. But law school is a bit different.

For one, I think I'm not really supposed to call these schools to ask about the status of my application. But without calling, I am at the mercy of the schools as far as being informed that my applications have been received. One school got a check from me, so I can always monitor my checking account to see if it's cleared. The other, though, was paid online when I submitted. They have my money, but I have no way of knowing when they'll take a look at my application.

I feel sort of helpless, and I don't like that.

addiction turned foul

I fully admit that I am addicted to Las Vegas. It's eye and mind candy, totally worthless TV, really.

But tonight, they have reached a new low. This must be the "exposition" episode of the season. The dialog is wretched, the plot is contrived, and, for God's sake, the Polyphonic Spree guests.

I actually kind of like this show, but this episode pretty much guarantees it's going to get cancelled. Dammit, why don't they hire me to write their shows? I'd do a better job, Mr. Angst would do a better job, the kid down the street would do a better job.

Sigh. TV sucks.

full plates

I have about a million things to do in the next two and a half weeks.

OK, that's exaggerating—but only a little bit. I have to begin and finish my grandmother's Christmas newsletter, which will be tricky since no one in my family has sent me any photos. I have some I've taken, but not many. Considering it takes about a week to get the thing to the printer and from thence out into the mail, I am seriously screwed.

It has to be out in two and a half weeks because we leave on the evening of the 16th for DC to visit some campuses before we make our way to the in-laws for Christmas. We fly into BWI super-late and will have to stay somewhere in Baltimore that night so Mr. Angst can make his 11am appointment in that city; I will probably take a train into DC to visit Georgetown (information session at 11, not sure how useful it will be). Then Mr. Angst will join me in DC and we'll both go take a look at GW. And then we have time to kill. I'm hoping we can send our luggage for the week ahead to the Angst-in-laws, and store whatever overnight bags we have in DC at the train station. But it's been a while since I've been to DC and I don't know if that's a good possibility.

So, DCers, here are a couple of several questions:

1. Where's a cheapish place we can stay (for one night) in the District that's convenient to Georgetown and GW and a Metro stop?
   
2. Are there, in fact, storage lockers or the like at the major stations? (I'm thinking Union Station, particularly, since that's where we'll be coming in from Baltimore on the MARC train.) There are, in fact, lockers at Union Station, as I suspected there would be. It remains to be seen if they will be large enough for luggage. No clue about stations in Baltimore.
   
3. Are there other things we should put on our itinerary for Friday afternoon/Saturday morning? Things we should see if we're very seriously contemplating moving to DC for school?
   
4. Any recommendations for rail/bus/Metro passes for our two-day stay? We won't need round-trip MARC tickets, I don't think, but what will we want for the Metro in DC?
   
5. At present, I believe the Angst-in-laws are going to drive to pick us up on Saturday (it'll be a few-hour round-trip for them, so we can't really stay with them), but if we need to rent a car and drive-and-drop, how tough might that be? This was a stupid question, as I know I can rent a car just about anywhere. Forgive.

These are lots of questions, sure, and they probably reveal me to be a bit of a worry-wart. But any advice would be much welcomed.

Meanwhile, I still haven't heard back from my Northwestern interviewer, which makes me a bit nervous. Time is short!

Yeah, I took a blogging break. Between the all-day kitchen-fest that was Thursday, and the all-day football-fest that was Friday, I was just plain pooped. Didn't bother to get out of my pjs today until 3:30.

We just returned from a nice dinner at my aunt and uncle's. They live something less than an hour away in a brand, spanking new subdivision of houses with no easement, whose designs repeat every third lot. "Starting in the 120's!" Not terribly enticing.

This aunt and uncle have just recently returned from nine years (or thereabouts) in Germany, where my uncle was stationed. What did my aunt talk about all night? Germany. German wine. German tchotckes. German sugar tablets for your coffee. And Dutch veterinary clinics. Good golly! The things I never wanted to know about Germany! We escaped as the other aunt and uncle who were at dinner pulled out the dominos for family game time.

Lest you think I am a terrible person, the evening really was nice. I pull out the sarcasm when I talk about family because, well, families are messy and confusing sometimes. But they are still family, and they understand and know you like few people do. All but one of my mother's siblings was at dinner, and I treasure that these men and women who watched me grow up are so close and still want to spend time with one another. If there's one thing I am always thankful for this time of year, it's family, foibles and all. These times make our plans for the next three years somewhat more difficult to stomach, as I'm sure we'll end up far away and visits will be rare and never long enough.

gobble gobble

Happy Thanksgiving!

We've been through half of one turkey and half of another; the other halves are tupperwared up and put away. We've been through half of two pies. We've been through half a pot of coffee. And now we're looking to rent a movie.

I'm beat! But it's been lovely. Happy Thanksgiving, all.

holiday time!

My mommy is here, she just called to say they were on the ground, picking up their rent car.

I, however, am at work. Phbbt. I am hoping we get a half-day reprieve—sometimes that happens, but it has to come from the top (and I work for a pseudo-government institution, so that means from the governor) and he never makes up his mind until around 11:30. Or at least, they never tell us till then.

I have things to do today—I need a new sweater, I need to buy some liquor (vodka and Rumpelminz), and I need to make some pastry shells. Oh, and also we have the Thanksgiving Eve service my choir is singing in tonight. Too much to do, so little time. I wish I'd remembered the pastry last night, because it could be resting in the fridge right now. (I did not go shopping last night because the sky looked very omninous and my umbrella was at home.)

In other words, I think the next several hours are going to be mildly stressful. What else would I expect, though, hosting Thanksgiving with two sets of parents? Stress is my life-force, though. I will rise to the challenge.

Update: It appears a reprieve is not going to happen. I recall reprieves happening every year that I've been here, but our office manager says it never happens. I don't know what the heck is going on, but I'm leaving at 12:30, when I get my four hours in. And that's that. I can suck up the four hours of vacation time it'll cost me.

Update 2: OK, I went back and looked at my electronic timesheets for the last several years, and it appears we have never gotten a reprieve on the day before Thanksgiving—I have always just taken that half day off. Weirdly, we do usually get a reprieve on Good Friday, which seems sort of odd since this is the government we're talking about. We are a red state, though. And I am always glad for that half day when we get it. At any rate, I'm at home, making pastry and waiting for my mom to get here.

creepy weather

It's been raining forever here. Today, it looked like it might let up as I drove to work. There was no actual water falling from the sky, and I didn't need to turn my lights on to see the road at 8:15 in the morning.

But now the sky has blackened. The thunder is so heavy the windows in my office (which is in a four-story solid brick building) are vibrating. I just heard our office manager tell some coworkers who parked outside to move their cars to the garage because hail is on its way.

I generally stave off the Seasonal Affective Disorder until January, when the dark days and cold weather just overwhelm me. But if I don't get some sun here soon, I might have to cancel Thanksgiving and send all the family to Luby's. I don't think I'll be able to cook.

Update: The sun is out briefly. The rain is scheduled to come back in a couple of hours—right when I need to go to the grocery store, unfortunately—but for now, it's sunny and bright. Yay! Cold weather comin' in tonight, just in time for Turkey Day.

hee!

Today's Horoscope:

Quickie: Coworkers' nervous little habits are unavoidable. Find a way to drown them out.

Overview: It's time for you to wind things down—all kinds of things. If you need to summon up one last blast of willpower to finish it all up, don't worry. You'll be more than equipped to handle it.

more waiting

I just spoke with Northwestern regarding my request for an off-campus interview. See, I requested an interview six weeks ago, and I haven't heard anything. I was beginning to wonder if they lost my information or were ignoring my request because I hadn't submitted my application.

None of that, actually, is the case. They're just really backed up, with lots of requests and not enough alumni to do interviews. I'm supposed to wait another week and call then if I haven't heard anything.

I'm not sure what another week is going to do—after all, this week is half holiday, so I don't know how much is going to get done before next Tuesday. Still, good to know I didn't do anything wrong, and that my information didn't get lost, and that I should, at some point, get an interview. Hopefully.

Update: I just received my interview information. Either an eerie coincidence or my call expedited something. Either way, I now have contact information.

did you know that...

...vinyl tile gives off a distinct smell that apparently doesn't dissipate with any rapidity?

...you can get denim burn on your knees if you wear jeans while installing tile?

...it is nearly impossible to hang anything on the wall straight when you are 5'1" and don't have anything resembling a level?

...even if you think your walls are straight, plumb, they probably aren't?

...fresh turkeys (even the frozen "fresh" turkeys, which aren't frozen solid, and can be called fresh because of some odd USDA regulations) are twice as expensive as frozen turkeys? And that you pretty much can't find a truly frozen turkey that hasn't been injected with "flavorings"?

All these are things I learned this weekend. It took a lot of time and quite a bit of contortion on my part (since I'm the only one small enough to measure and cut the tile that goes behind the toilets), and we are bit messy around here still, but we have new flooring in all of our bathrooms, our foyer, and our kitchen/utility. Hallelujah! It's delightful. We celebrated by buying new rugs for the doorways and kitchen, and a new blowdryer for me.

A long, long weekend leading into what will be a long, long week. I'm pretty darn tired right now.

rain and vanilla coke

It's raining again here, which is annoying. Mr. Angst, the Angst-in-laws, and I excursed (is that a word? if it is, I like it) to the Home Depot today and bought 160 or so square feet of vinyl tile. We're retiling the entryway, all 2-1/2 baths, and our kitchen/utility room. This is partly because the tile that is in all of these room is dead ugly—alternating sea foam green and sandy peach—and partly because we'd like to increase the resale value of our home in preparation for next year's graduate school adventures.

Right now, we're waiting for the floor primer to dry. Remember when I said it was raining? That's making the floor primer not dry very quickly. When it's dry, we'll start cutting and laying tile, after which we'll replace the quarter-round trim and caulk around the toilets. We are not pulling the toilets up because we don't want to hire a plumber. Later, we'll unplug the fridge and pull it out to tile the kitchen; then we'll do the same with the laundry machines. This, I think, is going to be a very long day.

Also new, Mr. Angst mentioned that he doesn't think he's going to apply to the program in Boston anymore. Since I was never jazzed about Boston in the first place, I think Boston is off the list. So I only have two more applications to submit, instead of four-maybe-five. Once of those requires an extra essay, so I'll work on that in the next week or so. The other is pretty ready to go, just waiting for the next pay period.

So, la! I'd really much rather restrict myself to either Chicago or DC, with the possibility of staying right where we are and going to Texas if things don't work out for us to move. I don't like all the uncertainty that comes along with dozens of irons in the fire. Even for undergrad, I only applied to three schools, and one was the big state school that automatically admitted me.

pie...mmmm

CM has not heard of buttermilk pie. So i am going to tell you of the goodness that is buttermilk pie.

CM asks if it is like a custard pie, and, indeed, it is. But this custard pie is made with buttermilk. If you like buttermilk, you will love buttermilk pie.

Imagine: a couple of cups of buttermilk, a cup or so of sugar, a few eggs, and some nutmeg. Oh, and vanilla, too, because it's yummy. Pour into a pie shell and bake for slightly less than an hour until set, and eat. After it cools, of course.

Buttermilk pie...imagine the goodness that is any other custard pie: lemon meringue, say, but without the lemon or the meringue. The closest analogy I can imagine is ice cream. There's vanilla, and chocolate, and pistachio, and rocky road...all kinds of ice cream that are all essentially the same but with different flavorings added. And then there's sweet cream ice cream, which is basically ice cream with nothing but cream, eggs, and sugar.

Buttermilk pie is the sweet cream ice cream of custard pies. It is to be loved and eaten.

one more down and the ulcer begins

I just sent Northwestern.

I also discovered that I forgot to attach my resumé to one of the apps I sent last night. Oops. I printed it off and stuck it in an envelope, along with a required "attachment" that had to be mailed anyway. Hope that's not a big deal. I figure as long as they get it, it'll be fine. I'll call next week or maybe after Thanksgiving to make sure it got there and is appropriately attached to my file.

And now the worry begins. Thanks to LSAC's nasty little, "You can never take this back are you sure you want to transmit now?" alert, and my own forgetfulness as stated above, I have begun to fret that I forgot something, put something down wrong, had typos in my resumé, or personal statement or otherwise did something totally boneheaded that will get my application sent to the circular file without a second glance.

If this is what waiting is like, I can do without it. Thankfully (?) I have in-laws coming for a full week to keep my mind off of it all. And Mr. Angst informed me that I will be captain of the kitchen at Thanksgiving and Mrs. Angst-in-law will not try to take charge. I.e., I, who have never cooked a full Thanksgiving meal all by myself, will be doing so this week. Oh, I'll have Mrs. Angst-in-law and my own mother to help. But the cooking will all be mine, right down to the pastry shells and giblet gravy. God help me!

weird

I sucked it up and submitted my four of my top five apps last night, figuring they'd all get at least my first two letters right away, and the last one whenever it arrived.

It arrived at LSAC this morning. That means I can go ahead and apply to Northwestern, which doesn't take updated reports from LSAC so I didn't apply last night because I wanted to wait and make sure that they got ALL my letters since I REALLY would like to get into Northwestern.

So in a few minutes, perhaps, I will run upstairs to the PC and apply (I'm at home this morning) to Northwestern, thus sending off into the ether my top five apps.

Wow. It all happened so fast, and before Thanksgiving, just like I wanted it to!

I do, by the way, have other apps. Those will need to wait for the next pay period (and perhaps some early Christmas money...).

it's official!

I am now a law school applicant!

hoo-frickin'-ray!

LSAC has processed my SECOND letter of rec, which was sent on Wednesday of last week!

I am giddy with excitement.

too early to be festive?

The choir I sing in has begun preparing for our Christmas concert. (Sadly, I will not sing in the concert since I'll be visiting campuses in DC that weekend.) At any rate, we've begun to work on some of the music, and it's definitely put me in the holiday spirit. We're even singing Pat-a-Pan!

So now I'm listening to my college choir's recording of Lessons and Carols (ours is called Look from Afar and I sadly cannot find it for sale online).

I know, I know, Thanksgiving isn't even until next week! What am I doing listening to Christmas music? All I can say is that I love this season. I shudder to see tinsel and fairy lights at the mall this early, but music...music is another story altogether. Good music, that is. (After a season working retail, I can't hear Baby, It's Cold Outside without wanting to hide under a display table.) Plus, this music is really Advent music, totally appropriate for preparing oneself for Christmas. It's also really beautiful and soothing.

Is it wrong that I really want to put our Christmas tree up the day after Thanksgiving? Mr. Angst would disapprove, I'm sure. We'll be at a football game anyway, so I guess it's a moot point. Maybe Saturday?

LSAC is out of the doghouse...at least temporarily

My first-sent letter of recommendation was received and processed this morning! If this trend continues, the second should be received and processed tomorrow, and the third on Monday or Tuesday.

You know what this means? I no longer have any excuse whatsoever for not submitting my applications.

oh, poop

Magic Cookie reminds me that I have a dean's certification form in my bag that's been there for a few weeks. I need to send that off to my alma mater, post haste.

Somebody, please remind me to send that thing in!

And while you're at it, remind me to take my good suit to the cleaners, make a dentist's appointment, send a thank-you note for a belated wedding present, and pick up a loaf of bread at the grocery tomorrow.

Thanks.

so i lied

...and did not print and review my apps last night. Between a sick husband, wandering around Home Depot looking for closet rod flanges, and applying spackle, there was just no mental capacity left.

Meanwhile, I discovered our closet walls are not white, but rather eggshell. I found some paint leftover from the old owners that MIGHT be the same color, but is probably semi-gloss for use on baseboards and trim. I think it will be OK. If it turns out to be too dark or shiny, I guess we can always redo it later. For now, I'd like to just get our new closet rod up and move our clothes back into our room. Before my in-laws get here.

I'm beginning to feel like a total slacker. At home in the evenings, or over the weekend, I feel there's something I should doing that I'm not, but I can't quite put my finger on it. And then I remember—my law school applications.

They are, for the most part, done. This is a good thing. I am holding out on several of them because they don't require letters of recommendation, and I don't want my LSAC reports to be sent without letters because then they won't consider my letters when they consider my app. That would be a bad thing.

But there are other apps that require letters, and on which I've had to name my letter writers. So there's no real reason for me not to send those in. Except that I have been slacking. I need to sit down, print those apps out, proof them, correct them if necessary, and go ahead and transmit them. But I haven't.

There's a little voice in my head—the one trained to make these kinds of comments by growing up with my psychologist mom—that says my slacking is because I don't really want to go to law school. The problem with that voice is that it's purely reactionary and knows nothing at all about real motives. It's the same voice that wants to excuse me for saying hurtful things by saying, "You can't make anyone feel anything they don't already feel." In other words, that little voice only knows the jargon.

I do want to go to law school. But I'm in a spot now where I am really having to deal with some of those tough questions I didn't want to think about back in August. Like, since my LSAT wasn't as high as I hoped, I will have a tougher time getting into the schools in Chicago that I want to go to; but remember, Mr. Angst is also applying to graduate school. So, what happens if I get into only my Chicago safety, and the only school he gets into is in Chicago? Then we both end up in Chicago, in schools we maybe aren't thrilled with.

That kind of silly problem is plaguing me. It's silly because it's completely unknown and unknowable and worrying about it right now is purely a waste of energy.

What I need to do is shove all distractions aside and transmit some of my apps RIGHT NOW. OK, not right now, since I'm on a Mac and have to wait till I get home to use the PC. But today. And here comes that little voice again, sounding so reasonable, saying, "But you have to finish that drywall repair, and go to the Home Depot to pick up spackle and paint and a closet rod and brackets. And then you need to spackle and paint so you can hang that closet rod tomorrow." And I think, well, alright, I can put it off for another day; but tomorrow we have to hang the rod, then move our clothes back to our closet. And Wednesday I have choir, and Thursday we need to straighten up for the cleaning lady coming on Friday—as well as Mr. Angst's parents. And then we'll have family staying with us until Sunday after Thanksgiving.

The little voice is trying to convince me to wait; then I can blame any dings on my own stupid procrastination instead of on whatever reality gets me dinged—whether it be numbers or background or just not fitting what the adcoms want.

So I'll try and put the little voice on mute. Tonight, while my lovely chicken braises in the oven, I'll print out those three or so apps that need to get sent RIGHT NOW, and work on them until it's time to go to Home Depot. And then, I will send them. So there.

feathering a nest

On cold, drizzy days, I am overwhelmed by the urge to make wholesome, warm, filling foods; to hunker down into domestic bliss.

This weekend's litany of domestic duties includes drywall repair, Hollandaise sauce, vichyssoise, walnut-crusted tilapia (idea stolen from a restaurant menu), and perhaps some laundry. Note that "cleaning" does not appear on my list. Since my in-laws will be arriving Friday morning for an extended Thanksgiving stay, cleaning should occur at some point this week. I believe I'll be calling my trusty cleaning service for an emergency visit, though, rather than doing it myself. I just don't dust, particularly when I have lovely things to cook.

I visited the gourmet grocery store after church today (my singing voice not much improved by all the drywall dust I inhaled yesterday) and came home with some beautiful produce, including lovely, golden-skinned, small, sweet onions and a bunch of robust leeks with heathly, waxy green ends. In preparation for a few more days of cold and wet, I also procured organic chicken legs, to braise slowly tomorrow evening in red sauce and stock, and a fragrant white Spanish table wine to sip slowly.

The happiest find, though, was the largest, greenest bunch of fresh basil I've ever seen, for caprese sandwiches (toasted bread topped with fresh buffalo mozarella, tomatoes, and torn basil).

I intend to make my house smell like winter.

cold weather, warm food

The wonderful thing about the proper onset of cold weather is that warm foods, like soup, stew, and hot tea, are so much more appropriate—and decidedly yummy.

Today, a positively divine tortilla soup (sans cheese or tortilla strips, since I'm counting) from one of the "gourmet grocery stores" here in town. Perfectly heated, deliciously flavored, and not too spicy. Yuuuuuuuummmmmm.

computer envy

I am an unabashed Mac fan. Let there be no doubt—I love me some Apple computers.

BUT, in the last two days, I've been called into two meetings with sales reps from different companies who both had one of those nifty swiveling-monitor tablet notebook PCs. And let me tell you, those things are cool. Really, really cool.

Mind you, I didn't USE them and I didn't even get to see how the sales reps were using them, aside from watching them tap-tap-tap on the screen with the nifty pen-thing. But the form factor is undeniably cool.

Come on, Steve Jobs, give us some tablet love. What could be cooler than a 12-inch aluminum PowerBook with a swiveling, tablet monitor? Drool.

Times like these...

...I am reminded that I have no patience. It's not like this is something I DON'T know, it's just that I try to forget it in my quest to think of myself as the perfect wife, employee, and friend. I am never impatient! I am always fun and cheerful! I work consistently and accurately without making mistakes and never take Internet breaks!

Obviously, I am deluded. This week at least, I am an impatient, procrastinating curmudgeon. And will likely continue to be such for a while. At least through the weekend. And the world will just have to deal with it.

things seem to be going my way...i think

My last letter, the one written by my current boss, will be sent out tomorrow. (I didn't even have to remind him of the deadline! He's good...)

So now I can stop fretting about whether or not the letters will be sent and start tearing my hair out over how long I know LSAC is going to take to process them.

I have until, approximately, November 26 to continue to work on my apps through LSAC on the Web. This is because, stupidly, you can only access the online system for 30 days after registering for it. I don't really understand that system. What I think will probably happen in my case is that I will end up transmitting electronically four or five of my apps; I'll print the others and send them by mail. Sigh. I wonder if it wouldn't be quicker, in some ways, for me to just send them all by mail.

my 2¢

Heidi responds to an argument about gay marriage by expanding the definition of family.

I have to agree with Heidi that families are more, much more, than mom and pop and sibs. I have a large, very large, extended family and we all grew up together, going to the same schools—and the same schools our parents went to—and being each other's best friends. It's wonderful and really quite special to have that sort of built-in support system.

The problem is that a lot of people don't have that experience anymore. Mr. Angst grew up far away from his extended family and doesn't have the same perspective on cousins, aunts, and uncles that I do. More and more people now are only connected to their immediate family, to the two or three or four people in their house. This is something I mourn—I think there was a greater sense of community and continuity when people regularly stayed where they grew up. We're such a mobile nation now; things are much different than they were even 50 years ago.

So I'll add to Heidi's discussion of the bigger nature of family by suggesting that communities can also provide a broadened perspective. Being involved with the people you live and work around develops that sense of intereconnectednes. It also provides a way for people to meet and get to know stable, healthy, same-sex-parented families. (Aren't people saying that's one of the reasons various groups give for the 11 amendments that passed last week—that people "don't know any gay families"—as if "families" can be "gay"?)

So, just adding another layer of discussion.

Getting my act together

I managed to stay in pretty good shape after my wedding early this year. I maintained my weight and ate healthy foods and exercised regularly.

But ever since I decided to go to law school, my physical condition has deteriorated. I have gained some pounds, a small number but a big impact on my short body; I have lapsed into eating awful, fattening foods; and I have almost completely stopped going to the gym. For a few weeks before the LSAT, I got my act together and at least worked out. But I didn't change my eating habits, and I didn't lose any weight.

I've looked at myself and realized it's time, once again, for drastic measures. It's time, in other words, to get organized.

A few years ago, I discovered that the quickest way for me to pay attention to my physical wellbeing was to hyperfocus on it. It's the only way I can monitor myself. I have to keep a food diary and count calories, I have to keep an exercise log, and I have to do it every day. In that vein, I bought a piece of shareware for my Palm Pilot that does all of it for me. (It was cheap.)

The software is called Cheater and it makes me feel like a completely anal retentive, obsessive-compulsive, food-focused freak while using it. But it's a good thing. It gives positive feedback! It gives negative feedback! It's exportable! (I do not export anything from it, because that would be more anal retentive and obsessive compulsive than even I am comfortable with.)

Every time I look at my body and see that I've gained some weight or gotten flabby, I go back to Cheater. I suppose being so conscious of what I put in my mouth is mildly unheathly—and food issues are not unknown in my family, mostly on the too-much-food side of things. But more unhealthy would be remaining in denial. So I am back on the calorie-counting wagon.

This may make me grouchy in the coming weeks. But I can't be any grouchier than I already am over my expanding ass and belly. I just wish I'd done this a month ago. Now I have to be anal retentive and obsessive-compulsive during Thanksgiving. Pooh.

wahoo 3

Remember when I told you that my iPod battery was dying?

Well today, I took my dying Precious to the local Apple store so I could take advantage of my warranty period and get a new one. I figured I'd let the store send it in for me so I could be sure that it got there safely.

Oh boy howdy! Not only did they not charge me a penny (I thought I might have to pay $30 for, essentially, shipping), they handed me a shiny, clean, refurbished iPod on the spot.

Time without iPod: 0 minutes.

Currently: charging new iPod in preparation for importing all my music back on to it.

I won't bitch about Apple's corporate practices for a good month now. That's how happy I am.

wahoo 2

Another letter writer has informed me, ever so graciously, that her recommendation is IN THE MAIL!

All these people, beating my deadline! It's marvelous!

argh angst

Well, I was doing pretty well with not fretting or stressing about my applications not being in yet. Or, at least, I thought I was doing well with that. But considering Mr. Angst has asked me every day for the last three days what's wrong with me, I think I should reevaluate my stress level.

Honestly, I'm freaked out. I wouldn't be—or I say I wouldn't be—if my LSAT score had been 2 points higher. I wouldn't be if LSAC were processing letters of recommendation quickly. In other words, I wouldn't be freaked out if I weren't so worried that my LSAT schore and application delay were going to kill my chances of getting into the schools I want to go to.

Tonight I talked to my best friend for a while, and explained the whole stupid letter of recommendation holdup on my applications and how I was truly worried that all this waiting would completely destroy my getting into my top schools. And she said, "You know what they say about the guy who graduates at the bottom of his law school class? They say he has a law degree. You'll be fine no matter where you go."

And I know she's right. But I am so nervous right now! Nervous that I won't get into a good school, nervous that the schools I get into won't be good enough for me to actually enter legal academia. And it's getting me down. I need to snap out of it and I don't really know how right now. (It doesn't help that I stepped on the scale today and realized that the yoga classes I haven't been going to and the gym trips I've been skipping have not been good for me.)

So I'm worried-nervous-fretful and feel fat. Basically, I'm down.

why I like public transportation

A year ago, Mr. Angst and I bought a car. A newish car—of the certified pre-owned species. It's a good car, reliable and fairly cushy. It's a near-luxury vehicle.

Today, Mr. Angst called me to say that our transmission was shot. The car—our beautiful car!—was bucking and wheezing. Any attempt to exceed 25 mph resulted in RPMs over 5000.

Urk.

This is why I don't like cars. They fail. Even the best cars fail. I have a small economy car for myself and it is more than enough auto for me. Because it was cheap—and is now paid for—I don't worry as much about it failing. It was cheap! It drinks cheap gas!

But the nice car, the car we spent three months looking for, the car we drove 200 miles to buy so we could get the best deal? That car has failed.

I am bothered by the immediate depreciation of an automobile. Dealership requirements—spend hundreds of dollars every 15,000 miles just to keep your warranty valid—vex me. Gas is expensive, and more expensive on a nicer car, and this infuriates me.

For a time, I rode the bus to work every day. I lived half a block from the stop and the bus took me directly outside my building. It was delightful. I got lots of reading done on the bus; I could go home for lunch because the round trip only took 25 minutes. I saved money, used my legs, and never had to scavenge for a parking space.

But I don't live in that neighborhood anymore. Bus service to our current area is ridiculously scant, particularly for a neighborhood that is in the middle of our city. And my current job is not in a central location, as the last one was. So I have to drive. And I hate it.

The failing car is being repaired—for free, since there is, apparently, a known problem with transmissions on that make and model. And we have a cute, sporty loaner. But I'd much rather take a bus or a train.

Why, oh why, weren't drops the treatment of choice for my lazy eyes? Three years of elementary school with a patch was no fun, no fun at all.

Funnily, my eyes still have a tendency to cross when I am tired. This really freaks out my husband. I can also move my eyes sort of independently of one another; that also makes his skin crawl. It's a fun party trick.

Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!

My #1 letter writer just emailed me to say....he's done! It will go out in the mail tomorrow!

Please, gods of LSAC, be good to me and process it QUICKLY!

Sigh. I feel a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

intentions

I started this blog as a personal exercise. I needed a place to hash out all the conflicting emotions I was having about my (then) suddenly burning desire to go to law school. For as long as I can remember, when I felt confused, I wrote about it. I have boxes of old journals from high school and earlier; I have archived electronic journals I kept in college. I have an old blog that I kept for a few months when blogging was brand new; I have another, personal blog, where I post longer bits, more personal bits, things that are not necessarily related to law school.

And see, that's where things start getting confusing. This blog was intended to be just about law school. I wanted a place where I'd post my thoughts and reactions to LSAT study, application hassles, rejections and acceptances, and my eventual decision-making process. But as it's grown and developed, this blog has become more personal, a place where I post not just my law school thoughts, but also my random musings, reactions to horoscopes, weekend adventures, and other experiences. I don't know that I like that. It's not that I dislike the disclosure of it all, although I am quite wary of broadcasting my identity on the internet. It just doesn't feel right somehow.

I have started sharing more and more—but I am ever-conscious of how thinly veiled my identity really is. So I censor myself rather readily to keep what anonymity I have. This doesn't feel good to me, but I almost can't help it! Jeremy says,

I also think there's a difference between an anonymous blog and a non-anonymous one. The anonymous ones, to me, are like people are hiding something to begin with -- that if it's found, people will assume it was anonymous for a reason.

I think there's a lot of validity to that. There are things I don't say because I am afraid of being "found out," as it were. I'm anonymous, but not anonymous enough.

Right now, I'm contemplating becoming completely un-anonymous. There seems to be some freedom in that. I'd curtail my personal commentary somewhat, but that might force me to restrict those kinds of writings to a more appropriate venue. I just don't know. I'd like some thoughts on it, though—anonymous bloggers, what benefit do you get from being anonymous? And those of you who are fully outed, as it were—do you restrict yourself because you are easier to find?

yippee?

I heard (finally) from a woman I know who volunteered to write me a letter of recommendation for one of my schools that she has a connection with. I'd tried to reach her a few weeks ago and when I hadn't gotten a response, figured the offer wasn't valid or she was too busy. Turns out, she was just having email problems. She said she's still willing to write the letter. I asked her how much time she'd need....that's the critical thing, you know.

So that's a happy for today.

what to say?

So a friend of mine from college graduated from law school in May and took the bar in this, our home, state.

Bar results are out, and I don't see her name. So I think she didn't pass the bar.

What is the best response? We don't hang out a lot, but we have happy hour every month or so. Since I'm getting my information from a website, I don't feel comfortable just calling her up and saying, "Oh my God! You failed the bar! I'm so sorry, let's go get drunk!" But, likewise, calling her up and saying, "Hey, let's get a drink tomorrow!" seems phony, not owning up to why I'm calling her.

What would you prefer, dear reader(s)? The random call or the pity call? Or some version in between?

this weekend

Friday
Barbecue! Lots and lots of barbecue. And then beer. All good things.

Saturday
One of the best football games I have ever been to. The crowd was going CRAZY! Absolutely amazing.

Also: ran into a friend whose wife is a 1L. He says he's proud of her because she's really doing this law school thing and enjoying it. She does, however, "study all the time." I'm going to assume when he says "study" he means "read." I've always been mystified by the varied uses of the word "study" in a school context. To me, studying is review—going over material in preparation for an exam. Reading is preparing for class. Of course, there's also writing and research, but those aren't studying either. Maybe this is just me. How do you think of the word "study"? Is it an exam-specific thing or do you study all the time? Maybe she is studying—she's done the reading, the writing, and the research, and she's reviewing it all in case she gets called on in class. Or maybe he means that she's already working on her outlines. I don't know. Any thoughts?

Sunday
Beautiful music in church—a cool, bizarre, big piece by Benjamin Britten, and then a lovely motet by Stanford. Followed up by buttermilk pancakes, made by yours truly. And then, because I was in a cooking mood and I have a new food processor, I made red sauce from a new recipe (note to self: reduce amount of sugar, because sauce was a little sweet), then a spaghetti bake (browned ground sirloin folded into red sauce, tossed with spaghetti and layered, like a lasagna, with shredded mozarella). Yum.

And now it's a new week. Letters of recommendation will hopefully be mailed on Friday. Until then, it's life as usual.

If only this were true:

Kristine's Daily Virgo Forecast

Quickie: When you speak, everyone listens. Use your power wisely.

phooey

Well, my apps are pretty much ready to go, except my resumé is not quite done. I am missing one little bitty piece of information that I really do want to include—it's just a small detail that I can't quite remember—and I have to wait for a reply to an email I sent before I'll have that info.

Meh.

If (oh hope, oh hope) I get that email tomorrow, I can get some of my apps sent out before the weekend. That means I'll be able to relax and enjoy myself. We have a houseguest coming and there's a football game, and it's finally football weather...I can't wait for it to be the weekend!!!

musical oddities

My iPod has decided that, today, it will play all the rap I have on it, in a row. (She is set to shuffle songs.) Rap is probably about 1.5% of the music collection on my iPod (code name: Precious), yet I think I have listened to all of it in the last few hours.

If it's not rap, it's synthpop.

Seriously, what's going on here? And where is all my 80's music? God knows I could use some of that right now.

letters

All of my recommenders now have the same deadline. Next Friday, November 12. I hear rumors on the evil boards that LSAC has been taking WEEKS to process letters. I hope this will not be the case for mine. Theoretically, they'll all arrive at the same time, since they're all coming from the same city, and I won't have to worry about which letters get sent to schools first or second or third.

Meanwhile, I obviously did NO work on my apps on Tuesday night. Not only was it election night, but Mr. Angst also skipped class that night, so we spent some rare weeknight time together. A much better way to spend the evening than hunched over a monitor, I'll tell you what.

But tonight...well, tonight I'm pretty sure he won't skip class again. That will leave me with a choice between watching Joey (snort) or doing some actual work. I think I'll polish up my apps and try to send off my top choices.

It'll feel good to actually be a law school applicant. Right now, I kind of feel like I did in ninth grade when I had told everyone in eight grade we were moving to another city, and then we didn't and I showed up on that first day of high school and everyone looked at me like I'd just been telling tales and hadn't followed through. (Not like fourteen-year-old me could have followed through on such a thing, but, hey, fourteen-year olds aren't always rational.)

time change

The switch from Daylight Savings (or is it TO Daylight Savings? I never can remember) has my circadian rhythms all off.

Firstly, I am waking up earlier because of the light, no matter how late I go to bed. Last night, for instance, I was up until about midnight, when the networks called Ohio. Yet I still was stirring awake by about 7 am—which, by the way, is a full half-hour earlier than I usually get up.

And now it's the end of the day, and I am getting ready to leave, and the growing darkness outside has me confused, too. It's so dark! Am I in the office too late? Did I lose track of time? What's going on?

My undergrad was located about 30 miles west of the time zone shift from Eastern to Central time. When Daylight Savings changed in the fall there, it was so much worse than it is here (several hundred miles farther west). There, I'd go into choir rehearsal around 5 and it would be dusk; by 6:15 when I'd be heading to dinner, it would be pitch black. So I really shouldn't be complaining too much, here in the heart of Central time.

But I am. I don't like being awoken before my alarm goes off by the light; I don't like feeling the day is over when I am just leaving work. I don't like it. The only good thing that comes with the time change is the promise of cooler weather. (I am actually wearing my favorite sweater today...yay!)

Not that my bitching is going to change anything. It's just one of those things that gets me at 5:20 in the afternoon when I still have choir rehearsal. Some things never seem to change.

comme ci, comme ça

I am pleased to see that Kerry has called Bush to concede. Not because I am happy he lost, but because to drag this thing out longer, á la 2000, would have been a very bad decision. The classy, and appropriate choice, is to concede in the face of (a) the popular vote and (b) statistically overwhelming evidence that Ohio will go to Bush.

That being said, a commentary:

I am not surprised Bush won. I think it would have been unusual to vote out an incumbent president in wartime. I've thought that all along.

I am surprised, however, at the reasons the pollsters are giving for Bush's win. I assumed people would vote him back in on the basis of the war. But morality—a vague, ambiguous term at best—seems to have been the driving issue for most of middle America. And that makes me sad.

What did they see in Kerry that was amoral or immoral? Was it the gay marriage thing? Even Bush said in recent days that he felt civil unions shouldn't be made illegal. Was it the faith thing—that Bush has the appearance of a solid evangelical while Kerry has the appearance of a lapsed Catholic?

I suppose it doesn't really matter what moral issue mattered to those voters in middle America. Fact is, 11 states voted to outlaw gay marriage yesterday. Fact is, an overwhelming number of Americans voted yesterday for a number of candidates and issues that are discriminatory. Fact is, we can plan on the next few years being a rather ugly, litigious period in the fight for rights for all people. And that makes me sad. It makes me sadder than the prospect of living through another Cold War-type era, one of constant conflict with the rest of the world (if not outright pitched warfare).

It's hard being an adult, knowing that your point of view, no matter how rational and moral and fair is opposed by a majority of your fellow countrypersons. It's hard to look forward over the next four years and wonder how much worse it will get.

But we can always remember to look beyond those four years, beyond the present. We will vote for another president. We will vote for Senators and Congressmen again; we will see our world continue to change. And all that we can hope is that we are all—our side and theirs—strong enough to continue to be rational, and moral, and fair.

data collection

After realizing I needed my exact class rank, and realizing that it was not noted on my transcript, I had to have my alma mater send me that information. It arrived last night.

I am pleased to say that my rank, percentage-wise, was better than I had thought, though the actual number was one (1) place lower. In other words, I almost had it right. (This is pretty good, considering I calculated my rank based solely on how many other people received a certain GPA distinction in my class, and put myself at the bottom of that number.)

So tonight I think I'll go back in and polish up those applications, tweak the information where necessary, and perhaps (!) send off my top choice apps. No reason not to, right? Still need to check that letter of recommendation thing, to make sure I can put a "hold" on letters that I don't want to have sent first.

the mantle has been taken up!

My roommate from my last election party has taken up where I did (and could) not. Viewing party! Glad someone is brave enough to invite the broo-ha-ha into her home.

Note: If this post shows up twice, it's not my fault.

good v. bad

Good:
The cool weather has finally arrived. I am actually wearing a sweater today.

Bad:
My blowdryer decided this morning that it would not blow if the barrel was not pointing up. It works to about 15˚ off the horizontal, but any farther than that and it craps out. This will make drying the top of my head awkward.

Good:
Last night's dinner was lovely—mushroom risotto, baked pork chops with a balsamic pan sauce, and spinach salad with Don's Florida Salad Dressing. I added a pinch of dill and some oregano, too, just because. We also enjoyed a bottle of our honeymoon wine.

Bad:
My iPod battery has been acting funky, taking a full charge and then resetting itself because it thinks it doesn't have any charge. This is nervewracking. I bought it in February, so I still have a few months of warranty. I really don't want to send the thing in for replacing, though. I seem to be able to avoid problems if I (a) listen to it every day and (b) charge it up every night. Listening and charging simultaneously, which I tend to do at work, appears to only increase the likelihood of problems.

Also:
Everybody who hasn't voted needs to drop what they are doing right now and make their way to their polling place. Voting matters. Really.

ready for it all to be over

I am ready for the election to be over.

Like many others in the blogosphere (and blawgosphere), I hope this election is cut-and-dried. I hope there are no recounts, that the Supremes don't need to get involved, and that we can all go to bed tomorrow night knowing who will be President for the next four years.

Last time around, I had an election party. A last-minute election party, in fact. I sent an email out around 3:00, and about 40 people showed up to my apartment, food and drink in tow. We had a marvelous time. I did not have cable, so we watched the network coverage, heated up DiGiorno's pizza, baked Brie, and monitored what other coverage there was via a dial-up connection on an ancient ThinkPad.

We drank and ate and what I remember most was a delightful sense of camaraderie. Most of us had voted for the first time in that election—some for the second time, depending on whether or not they'd been living out of state in college. We were excited and having a good time. No one argued about who should win, and quite a few of us laughed about voting for Nader, since we weren't living in a contested state.

When it became clear that the election results would probably not be official until that Wednesday, the party began to simmer down. People trickled out, all in good spirits.

I remember stumbling to bed around midnight, when everyone but the future Mr. Angst and another friend of ours had left. The other friend was too drunk to drive at that point, so Mr. Angst hung out with him until he sobered up a bit. Mr. Angst came crawling into bed around 2 am. I mumbled, "Who won?" and he said, "Bush." I probably said something like, "Oh. Well, damn. Good night."

But the next morning, everything had changed. Bush hadn't won, at least not yet, and national elections were about to change forever.

I asked Mr. Angst a few weeks ago if we should have an election party this year, since the last one was so successful. His answer was an emphatic, "No." And I understand why. I'm an eternal optimist; I would hope that our friends would show up and we'd behave just like we did four years ago. We'd eat pizza and drink wine, laugh at the pundits and maniacally hit Refresh on the laptop. Mr. Angst is more realistic, though. That sense of camaraderie would never materialize, replaced this time with some paranoia, cynicism, and probably a little bit of shouting. Politics are no longer polite conversation.

It makes me a bit sad, in fact. But everyone takes everything more seriously now that we know what can happen. I wish we could take ourselves more lightly this year, but that seems unlikely.

So my hope is for an uncontested election. I know who I voted for, and I know that Mr. Angst voted for someone else. But I'm less concerned about whether his candidate or mine wins. I mostly fear for what happens on Wednedsay.

inappropriate lunches

An Open Letter to Whoever is Responsible for that Smell:

Dear Friend,

I bet you were really excited about your leftover [enchiladas, meat chili, taco salad] that you brought into work today. And of course, you should have been! Food made with chili powder is a good thing.

However, chili powder can sometimes, particularly when reheated in the office microwave, smell like B.O. And now our entire office suite smells like B.O. (Of course, I realized this smell could not be B.O. when I noted that it extended throughout the suite. No one needs a shower that badly. But the back of my throat could use some respite from the spice in the air.)

Friend, on behalf of the dozen or so people who share this space with you, I ask sincerely and graciously: Please do not bring these kinds of leftovers again.

Kindly,
K

turnover

When I got my current job, I was one of four women hired at the same time. We all had the same job title and (roughly) the same duties.

I have been here since the end of February—approximately eight months. Two of my co-hires have moved on. Somehow, I am now in a position of seniority.

I know I work for an institution with a high degree of turnover. Somehow I have managed, in all my time working for this institution (over five years now) to end up, always, with some level of seniority. In my last position, I was the employee with the third-longest service for the department. (The other two had twice- and three-times as much service as me.)

How does this happen to me? I don't think of myself as a static person, someone searching only for a steady income and good benefits. I'm obviously willing to shake things up, what with this whole "law school" thing. So how is it that I invariably end up being around longer than everyone else?

I don't really know where this post is going. I guess I just find it surprising that my employment history is so boring. I think of myself as a seeker of challenges. My resume doesn't necessarily reflect that.