--> divine angst: Just tired

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Just tired

All the thinking I've been doing this week has worn me out. It's only Thursday, and my soul is just weary. I've been thinking a little too much on my personal statement—even though I really like it. I've been unable to really motivate myself to study, and that makes me feel guilty. (My mother, who has a Masters in Psychology, would say no one and nothing can make me feel anything I don't want to feel. OK. I want to feel guilty about not studying. Yessiree.) Things at work are getting a little hectic, which stresses me out during the day. (I'm pleased to note that I have not been taking my work worries home with me, though.) And it's the end of the month so the bank account is a bit lean, as usual. With several purchases to make and one more bill to pay, that also takes its toll on my mental stability.

For some reason, I just can't concentrate. I set the alarm early this morning so I could get up and put some laundry away, maybe do some yoga, and relax rather than running around, feeling late. But instead of doing any of those things, I snoozed. And snoozed again. I got up at the same time I usually do, and was forced to run around, feeling late.

If I feel so lost now, how in God's name will I be able to cope with law school? This is a silly question, of course, because I have always been very good at getting things done for school. Something about learning new things every day keeps me more motivated, I guess.

But all the other things that make up a life? How will I deal with those? Laundry, cooking, cleaning, bill paying...if I'm just barely keeping ahead of those things now, how will I manage in a year? I used to be quite organized about paying bills and balancing my checkbook. Since I got married, we've been juggling the responsibilities and haven't really settled into a good routine, which always worries me. Still, at least I know I'm capable of maintaining fiscal organization.

But the domestic things....I've never been good at those. In college, I only had a small dorm room to worry about, and I didn't have much stuff. It was tough for things to get out of hand. And even when I lived alone, I had a small apartment with no dishwasher. I had to do the dishes regularly or I wouldn't have plates to eat on. I think I figured having a partner would help both of us be more on top of the housecleaning. It's done the opposite, I think. We tend to leave things longer than we otherwise might have. And then they get to the point that things are so messy it's overwhelming to contemplate actually getting things back to their original clean state.

So, all in all, it's been a rough week. Things seem off, just not the same as they've been. I feel stagnant.