--> divine angst: more change

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

more change

I've made the full switch over to Haloscan comments as well as trackbacks. Old comments are still available for viewing, but new posts won't have Blogger comments anymore.

I think making changes on my blog is a safe way to dramatically alter things about my life without actually having to change. All the impending change in my life has been making me nervous lately.

I say impending, but really, I've already had some big shifts this year. I got married, for one. Then my mother, who has been within an hour's drive for the last five years, moved several hundred miles and one time zone away. My best friend, who was also within an hour's drive, also moved several hundred miles away—in the other direction. Suddenly, my nice framework and support system got hugely shakier. I find myself calling my mom three times as often as I used to when she lived close, just because I know I can't hop in the car and drive on down. It's been rougher than I expected.

Along with these recent changes, we're both planning for graduate school and a move that will take us even farther away from here. The rest of my family is all here, or near here, so I'll be stretching that support system even thinner. We'll have no jobs, lots of debt, little security, and absolutely no idea what we're doing. All this change smells scary to me today. What on earth could we be thinking?

I know the answer—we're thinking that we need to do what is right for us. And some days, I am exhilarated by the thought of stepping out into the unknown. Other days, though—days like today—I'm petrified.

So I dabble with easy change, like blog change, or hair color change, or putting on a pair of earrings I haven't worn in two years. Because on a day like today, that's the only change I can handle.